Blind Luck2: No Way Back Chapter 14

[onkoona]

Blind Luck2: No Way Back




Chapter 14

After a satisfying post game discussion, which first had been disturbed by Hikaru's mother bringing tea and sweet cakes, for which Sai thanked her formally after Hikaru had scoffed loudly at the interruption. They were interrupted again, now by Ogata calling Hikaru's cell phone demanding to know at what time the meeting would take place tomorrow. As Hikaru was busy tutoring in the morning, Sai set the meeting up at 10 am., leaving it to the boy to call Kawai and work out at what time they'd have to leave the house, in the morning.

After all that arranging Sai decided to try asking another question about their past together, with a safer subject this time.
Sipping his green tea, he asked, 'So when I was a ghost, did I scare you?' Ah, that hadn't come out right; fear was hardly a safe subject.

'Scare me? You?' Hikaru smirked.
Sai was slightly insulted at the incredulity in Hikaru's voice. Had he been such a lousy ghost he hadn't even been scary?
'Aren't ghost suppose to be scary?' the former ghost queried, more than a little miffed.

Hiraru stopped laughing. 'Maybe, but you couldn't have scared a mouse,' he snickered. Then he suddenly stopped. 'No, that's not fair of me, you did scare me once, or really I did myself.' He took a breath, and Sai wondered what had happened.

'You see, you wanted to play the Meijin, badly, and we'd caught his attention. This is before I started playing for real, you see, and I'd taken you to a children's Go tournament to stop you whining about wanting to play Go. Well, when we were there you saw a player make a wrong move and you said so and, uh, I repeated it out loud and, uh, we got kicked out. But, you see, Ogata had seen it and, I think, he showed the Meijin and Ogata cornered me and brought me to him, 'cause he wanted to play the one who had commented on that move; so he really wanted to play you and I was sorta in the middle. And so we started to play and after a few hands that you directed, I started to feel really weird, like I knew where to play before you said it. So I got freaked and ran out, 'cause I thought you were takin' over my body, and I thought 'no way, Jose!',' the boy drew a breath.
'But you explained that you couldn't take me over and that it had come from inside-ah me. You taught me how to hold the stones properly, right after that.'

'I'm glad I didn't scare you,' Sai said with feeling. He knew what real fear felt like and he didn't wish that upon anyone, most of all not on his young friend.
'How old were you then?' he asked.
'Uh, I was in 6th grade still, so 11,' the boy supplied.
So young! The blind man felt disappointed in his former self for picking such a young person to haunt.

He almost didn't ask but he really needed to know,
'Did I, uh, ever hurt you in anyway?' There, he'd said it.
'Oh god no!' Hikaru sounded appalled at the suggestion. Sai breathed out in relief. Then the boy continued seriously,
'The only time I got hurt because of you, was when you disappeared, without saying goodbye.
I looked for you everywhere I could think of, I even went to Hiroshima, but you weren't there. I missed you so much,' he said with a bit of a wobble in his voice.
'I'm so sorry,' Sai felt compelled to say. He'd caused his young friend such anguish, and that was upsetting, but it grieved Sai deeply that he couldn't remember the bonds of friendship that invoked the anguish. He wanted to remember the pain, not just hear about it.

Of course he knew the selfish thought for what it was, and reminded himself that Hikaru had not forgotten the pain of separation, had to live with it every day.
'It wasn't your fault,' the boy stated with certainty, his tone flat now. It didn't make the former ghost feel better, though. And he was truly sorry for any grief he had caused the young pro, unwittingly or not.

He wondered if he really hadn't known he was going to disappear, but he didn't want to hurt the boy once more by asking. It would keep for a better time, he was sure.

'Thank you,' was all Sai said. /Thank you for not wanting to think ill of me. Thank you for keeping my former self company and letting me play. And thank you for caring about me./

Even if he hadn't known about it for the past year, the fact that someone had indeed missed him, it made all that he had been through a lot more bearable somehow.

xXXx

Sai slept like a baby on a futon on the floor of Hikaru's room. They had played deep into the night, and in between the games they had talked some more. Sai had tried and had mostly succeeded in keeping it all light by asking Hikaru about the day-to-day life they had shared together. There was a very amusing story about a Goban signed supposedly by Shuusaku and a lost game that the former ghost had turned into a winning one, and another about an antique cup and an even older plate, and that story also had a Go game in it.

Sai asked the young pro if he remembered the actual games, and mostly he did. As before when Hikaru had first told the former ghost his own story, images flickered in his mind at these new old tales. And, to the blind man's delight, the glimpses he got of those two games, when Hikaru started to recreate them, were enough to see them in full on his inner Goban. Sai memorized each game before wiping the virtual Goban, so it could be filled with the new game they were playing.

oOOo

Breakfast the next morning was quickly dealt with; Mrs. Shindou had prepared sandwiches, and even had prepared a stack for lunch for all three men, as Mr. Shindou was at breakfast too. Apart from introducing himself, Mr. Shindou did not take part in the breakfast conversation.

Sai thanked Hikaru's mother very politely but didn't tell her that without her sandwiches, he hadn't known where his lunch would be coming from that day. He was very grateful indeed, and he tried not to worry too much about tonight.

'Look, I can cancel my tutoring session, and come in with you if you want,' Hikaru said as they sat in the back of Kawai's cab, on the way to the Go salon.
That was funny, Ogata had offered asking Touya to join them if it would make the blind man feel safer, when he called last night. Sai had turned the offer down then as he did Hikaru's now.

'Thank you, Hikaru, but I need to sort this myself,' he said.
'Well okay, if you're sure,' the boy said reluctantly.
'I'm sure.'

Kawai had left Hikaru parked in the taxi zone on the street with his cab as he escorted the blind man to the door of the Go club. All Sai's previous visits had been via the building's car park, never from the street. He memorized the short walk and elevator ride (he'd have to find the stairs later).

The cabby left him with a clap on the shoulder just inside the Go club, and hurried off, with instructions to call him if he needed a ride anywhere. Sai had wanted to give him some money for the ride, but the cabby was already gone.

xXXx

'Fujiwara.' Even though the voice was well known to the blind man, it startled him. Very silly of him, of course, since he was here to meet Ogata after all.
'Ogata-san,' the former ghost acknowledged, swinging his cane out in front of him, moving towards the source of the sound. He swallowed down his nervousness.

Ogata bade him follow, and moved to the little conference room Sai and Hikaru had used to talk in a few days ago. Once the blind man was inside, the titleholder closed the door behind him, cutting off the sounds of the club patrons playing Go.

Sai had done a lot of thinking that morning when he had woken up at 6am. He now had some idea of what he wanted to say. He knew this moment was pivotal in their further relationship, would even decide if any relationship was possible between them. It was not unlike a decision to make a crucial move in one's plans on the Goban. All you could do is make the move and then your opponent's counter move will show you if you've messed up or not.

'Fujiwara, I...' came from in front of him.
'Ogata-san, I owe you an apology,' the blind man interrupted him. 'I was upset and I said some things I should first have thought about, before saying them.' He held up a hand when he heard the other take a breath to start to speak. He really wanted to get it all out in one go; he may not be much of a man, but he did have his pride and having to admit he had made a fool of himself by misinterpreting Ogata's intentions, was hard. But if, by explaining his viewpoint, however misguided, to the other man, he could mend the rift between them, it would be worth the humiliation of showing his fears.

'Please, let me finish.' The titleholder stayed silent and Sai continued after a deep breath of his own.
'I know now I overreacted, but at the time I felt very boxed in. When I lived at the shelter I never had anyone who had time for me, or looked after me other than my basic needs, but at the same time no-one stopped me from doing anything I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. When I lived with you, you tried to keep me safe, as a friend, I think, but to me it felt like I as locked safely in a cage, more like a pet.

I don't know how friendship works; I've never had a friend before, and the whole arrangement... well, I guess it felt stifling. At the time anyway. Now that I've had a little time to think about it, I think you were more than patient with me, and I was much too demanding.' He bowed and said, 'If you're willing to forget the past, I will try to do better.'

Sai's stomach was tying itself in knots, while he waited for the other man to respond to his opening move. This morning he had come to the conclusion he wanted to try to be Ogata's friend again. And he so much wanted to play him again. And in the chill of the morning, he realized he had indeed misjudged Ogata's actions; they could easily be explained as one friend helping another. He had called himself a very inconsiderate fool for interpreting events in such a negative manner. Now he could only hope the pro-player would forgive his error and maybe they could start again from scratch.

After a long silence, and then Ogata said, 'No.' Sai's heart lodged firmly in his throat with that one word. Ogata was turning him down; Sai had ruined their friendship and Ogata was not going to forgive him. The blind man tried to swallow his heart down again but he couldn't. He felt his eyes become moist.

'You weren't too demanding,' the other man said.
What?
'Nor were you wrong,' Ogata continued, leaving Sai with his mouth hanging open in utter shock.
'Oh hell,' the titleholder said, scraping the legs of a chair over the floor and sitting down.
'I did some thinking too, you know, and I realized I _had_ been treating you like my pet. Hell, I even gave you my leftovers! And I was more than tempted to put a tracker on you when you went shopping, just so I could locate you if you got lost. I've never seen myself like this, but I did not want to let you, the genius of NetGo, who could still easily beat me, playing blind, while trying to stay awake after a very exhausting day, run lose in the world, where others could take you away from me. I was selfish and I wanted to keep you close so I could play you all the time, and use you as a means to get closer to winning more titles.'
'But,' Sai started to say.
'No, don't interrupt; it's my turn to talk.' Ogata's voice held a hard edge, effectively silencing the blind man.

'I've also realized that if I'm to see you as a friend, and I _do_ want you as a friend, and not as a pet, I need to do right by you.' He paused to take a breath.
'I don't know what you're thinking, you're like some kind of enigma to me, so all I can do is just come out and ask you; as a friend, what can I do for you to help you feel happy? And free?' he added.

Sai was absolutely dumbfounded; Ogata wanted him back, just like that? The blind man had made horrible unfounded accusations and the other man had pled guilty to them all and still he wanted him as his friend? Sai felt the feeling go out of his legs and the world was tilting alarmingly. A strong arm caught him about the shoulders and there was a scraping of chair legs as the arm guided him to sit down.
As fast as the faint had come upon him, it disappeared, leaving him the confusion, but now at least he could think again.

'What can I do to help you, what is it that you want most?' Ogata's voice came from beside him, where the man must be sitting on the other chair.
Sai's confusion had not let up; his head was swimming with questions about Ogata's sudden apology. But the former ghost was fore mostly happy that everything looked to be fine between them, for now anyway.

'I want to play Go.' The response was so automatic; he'd said it without conscious thought.
'Done, anytime, anywhere. Now what else do you want?' Ogata pushed.
Sai contemplated that for a few moments, and then there was clarity about that too in his mind.
'I want to be independent. I don't mind taking help when I need it but not for too long.' He paused to gather his thoughts, coming to the only conclusion there was. 'I need to get a job.' He thought briefly of the dish washing job he had had when he'd first come to the shelter, the whole miserable one hour of it.
'A job I can actually do,' he specified.

'What kind of job would you take?' Ogata questioned.
'Something with Go, I'd prefer, but I'll take anything.' A job involving Go would be the most wonderful, a dream come true. But Sai wasn't going to kid himself, who'd hire a blind man to play Go? Come to think of it, who would hire a blind man to do anything? With that thought, he fire he'd felt a moment ago went out abruptly. He hung his head in his hands.

'Who am I kidding? It'll never happen.' He hoped the titleholder wouldn't see the tears that had gathered in his eyes. He really didn't want to cry before the other man, but try as he might he couldn't stop one or two tears escaping his control.

Chair legs scraped the floor as Ogata moved to stand up.
'We shall see,' he said as he laid a warm hand on the blind man's shoulder. He stood like that for a moment more, then patted his friend once on the back and said, 'I'm setting up a Goban, come and join me when you're ready.' With that he left the blind man sitting alone in the small room, letting him compose himself in peace.

oOOo

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